I’m going to get a little vulnerable here.
Over the last year and a half, I have only written 17 blog posts here. This is very different from the 64 posts I published in 2024 alone.
Part of this was because I became so busy at work. I took on two more advising positions, and it felt like all of my free time was gone. What little time I did have I tried to spend on my hobbies (reading, crocheting, or cozy gaming), so running my social media and blog became unrealistic. Even with the time I spent on my hobbies, I was so incredibly burnt out that I eventually couldn’t bring myself to do much of anything.
I also got married in Ireland last summer, so I didn’t really get a summer break either (although I definitely don’t regret the three-week trip at all!).
As work got worse and I started getting more burnt out, I kept telling myself that I was fine—I just needed to make it to this summer, and then I’d finally be able to relax, decompress, and spend more time on my hobbies.
Then, on one of the last days of the school year, I got a phone call informing me that my younger cousin passed away. She was eight years younger than me—the same age as my brother—and our families grew up together. I knew her death would hit me hard, but it also broke open a lot of the emotions I’d been keeping in for the past year and a half.
Add in some health issues and other personal events, and my mental health has plummeted. It is now July, and I have had more panic attacks and anxiety spirals this summer than I have had in the past two years combined. I’ve been on anxiety medication for the past three years, and suddenly it felt like I was back at square one. It turns out this can happen when depression worsens, which is what my therapist told me is going on. I had already suspected that, but, as I said, I was in denial. I actually started therapy back in April because I could feel myself getting worse mentally. I thought I could somehow stop the progression into a full-blown depressive episode… I bet you can guess that didn’t happen.
This depressive episode feels very different from the ones I’ve had in the past. I understand a lot more about mental health now, especially because, as a teacher, I am required to have some mental health training. I’ve also done a lot of self-reflection over the last six years. In some ways, that almost makes all of this more frustrating. I know what is causing my increased anxiety and depression, and I know what I should be doing to help manage it. But my motivation and ability to do even the most basic tasks have become incredibly limited.
I broke down a few weeks ago because I realized that even doing something as simple as laundry was taking all of my energy, and I felt so useless. I kept feeling like I hadn’t accomplished anything, even though all of my energy was going toward just getting through work. There was never anything left for cleaning my house, reading books, or doing the things I actually enjoy. I went from reading 8–10 books a month to barely reading 3–4. My book clubs are honestly the only reason I managed to read even that many. And because everything seems to be a cycle, I’d get down on myself for not being able to read like I used to.
Reading and running my blog/Bookstagram are things I genuinely want to spend more time on, but the brain fog and lack of motivation have been so intense that even reading—something I love—has become difficult. That just feeds back into the depression, because I get discouraged that I can’t even do the things I enjoy anymore.
Therapy has been massively helpful, but I still have a long way to go. It turns out that ignoring symptoms for over a year makes them a little harder to work through.
Anyways, all of this is to say that I’ll probably continue popping in and out for a while. I still want to keep posting here, but discussion posts take a lot more mental energy than they used to. Because of that, you’ll probably see mostly reviews and reading updates until I get my mental health a little more under control.
Thanks for sticking around. I really appreciate it. 💖